My four year old daughter and I lay lingering in the grass on a typical sticky humid Indiana summer afternoon.  Abandoning our active play, we rested flat on our backs, on my grandma’s quilt, making pictures in the clouds.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?  Where do you want to live?”

“On an Orange Meatball,” she grinned.

I’ll admit I wasn’t completely surprised by her answer.  Rachel loved orange.  Actually, she was obsessed with the color.  Her whole bedroom glowed creamsicle orange.  Orange walls, sheets, tennis shoes, dresses, coats; you name it.  It was orange. Daily, she would vehemently refuse to leave the house without having orange somewhere on her little body.

Living on an orange meatball was Rachel’s desire to live an impossible dream.  Her bold answer and childlike faith were challenging me, reminding me that anything and everything was possible.

Even living on an Orange Meatball. 

Yes, I know.  It’s literally not possible to live on an orange meatball.

I dreamed impossible dreams when I was little too, but somewhere along the way I got scared.  For me, it was the fear of failure that held me captive in a tight little box.  Throughout my life, that fear has stopped me from believing what God told me.  He wants and can do immeasurably more that we could ever hope or dream.  (Ephesians 3:20)

Thinking outside the box, dreaming impossible dreams is heart pounding, nauseatingly scary.  I am a type A, over achieving rule follower.  A pull yourself up by your own boot straps kinda girl, so I like things to be comfortable, set, planned.

Furthermore, I really like rules, schedules and checking off boxes.  I paid my way through college working a thirty hour work week, graduated on time with honors, took the “right” job at a bank, met my husband at church and had three children perfectly born three years apart.  All according to my schedule; my plan.

But on this day, I gave myself permission to dream with her, “I reaaally want to live on that Orange Meatball, with you!”

And I meant it.

Five years later at age 40, faced with the seemingly impossible task of starting over, I would remember this hope filled dream.  Life circumstances upset the applecart I had so carefully, painstaking arranged.  A divorce was definitely not in my plan and despite fighting it with every part of my being, it came anyway.

For a year, I walked around with a scarlet letter “D” plastered to the front of my suit coat.  

Divorce was not in my vocabulary.  God hates divorce.  Real or imagined, I suffered under the pain of judgement by others.  My own worst critic, I judged myself.  Shame, embarrassment, failure and heartbreak repeatedly washed over me.

I was left with the daunting question, what now?  What is my new dream?  What is HIS Dream for my Life?  I would need to step out and believe that all things are possible.  Terrified of what came next; I would be forced to dream a new dream.

I come from a very long line of faithful, strong, God loving women.  Carrying on this legacy for my girls will be my life’s greatest work.

I have this incredible photograph of my grandma and her five siblings.  The baby is crying and one of the girls is smacking herself on the forehead.  I love how a picture can tell a story; it makes me want to know more.

My Grandma lost her Daddy when she was only five years old.  At age 35, my Great Grandma was faced with her seemingly impossible task of raising six children on her own on a 130 acre farm in rural Indiana.

What I want to know when I look at this picture is “how” she did it.  Was she afraid, like me?  Did she fall to her knees and beg God for help, and wonder if He could even hear her? Did she feel abandoned by her husband and by God?  Were there times when she wanted to give up, give in, run away?

In all my searching and striving, I find that all I really want is to leave a legacy of faith for my children.  I want my girls to know, “how” we did it.  How we lived a life of faith, together.  And thus, the desire to write down Our Story

…everything I want to teach my girls, but more, everything they are teaching me.

My mom has always been terrified of the water.  This fear drove her passion to make sure her own children learned to swim.  Amusing but true, if necessary she wanted us to be able to save her from drowning.  Each and every summer day, she would drive twenty minutes to the freezing cold waters of the Rivera Club for swimming lessons.  Thanks to my mom, my sister, brother and I are all great swimmers.

I am terrified to take risks and fail so I will teach my children to that the risk to live impossible dreams.  I will carry on this great legacy of faith that “lives in me” because of my Great Grandmother and many others before and after her.  My children will know that when life gets hard they can count on God; they can take risks and believe that with HIM all things are possible. (Mark 10:27)

I will teach them to live this Great Adventure of life with love and abandon. I will teach them, but we will learn this together.   I am choosing to fix my eyes on HIM and believe HIM for more…immeasurable more.

This time, I don’t have a plan.  I don’t know what’s next and most days I am peering into a dense fog of doubt and fear.  My old type A, over achiever rule following self still creeps in.  But He is teaching me moment by moment to depend on HIM, to dream impossible dreams and believe His promise that HIS plans for me are good. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I am still afraid but I step forward in bold childlike faith, remembering Rachel and her orange meatball, to see what’s next.

Courage isn’t the absence of fear.  Courage is being afraid and stepping out anyway.  There is no risk of failure with God.  He loves to do the impossible.  Am I willing to risk failure in going after HIS dream for me, for my girls?

Yes, yes, I am!